In my last post, I mentioned that I might share more about what is going on in another post…. well this is that post. :) I actually find it interesting that it seems to be getting increasingly difficult to share about my physical challenges. I used to be fine with it and could share what I was dealing with at any time and with anyone that wanted to know. Now, it feels like I need to keep it more to myself. Maybe it is the fear that if people hear me talk about my problems, they won’t want to be around me anymore. If people hear that I am struggling and not happy, they will feel I am a person they do not want to be around. But I wonder if sharing my “stuff” will help someone else who is dealing with stuff too and I think it is important to share. This is a bit long so please bear with me. I feel like I am trying to cover a lot of stuff in one single post and it makes it rather long.
Back in March, I saw my specialist about the results of my bone scan that I had earlier that month. He basically said that there was bone irritation but he couldn’t figure out why. He felt that injections might help and if they didn’t, I might need more surgery. I hate that word…. surgery…. it sounds painful to me. I have been through 3 already so I feel like I have had enough of them. I don’t want any more. So I hoped so much that the injections would work. I had to wait till June 13 though to get them. It turned out to provide plenty of time for me to worry about whether they would work or not. I wanted them to work so much because I wanted relief and the ability to have my life back again. Since early December, I have been slowly on the decline in terms of pain levels increasing and my ability to do stuff decreasing. By June, I was getting out of the house maybe 2 times a week for a couple of hours each time and then I would spend the next day or so after trying to recover from it. The pain level shoots through the roof after being in town. I can thankfully look relatively normal though with the help of painkillers but they only cover the pain for so long which is why I can only get out of the house for a couple of hours.
Fast forward to June 13. Lucky Friday June 13 to be precise. lol I am not a person of superstition so it doesn’t bother me. The injections went fine and they used freezing first which was great. The freezing lasted most of the day which was also amazing. I nearly passed out when I got the injections but that seems to be a regular thing with me and needles. lol No big deal. With the freezing in, the pain level dropped right down and it worked even better than my usual painkillers. :) I felt like I could do anything! But it didn’t last. The pain came back with a vengeance and I really hoped that the injections would still kick in despite that. I was told that it could take up to 5 days for them to work. But with each passing day, I got more nervous. They ended up not working. I was so discouraged. I cried a lot because it felt like it would never end. I felt like I could go through yet another surgery and end up still in pain. I don’t want to keep living like this because it isn’t a life.
As it turns out, it seems to mean something to my specialist that the injections didn’t work. He seems hopeful which helps me have some hope. I need to go see him to talk about what is next but I can’t get in to see him until September. So I wait. I don’t know what is next. I am trying to remain positive. But it can be hard when the pain level is so high some days that I can barely get myself out of bed and make my breakfast.. It is so painful to do simple tasks like getting changed or washing my hair. I am struggling to get the painkillers I have to work enough that I can still go in to town once a week for a couple of hours. I feel like I spend a lot of time cooped up. On the bright side, I am getting to sit outside some and enjoy the fresh air, flowers and birds. I have one of those zero gravity chairs that I can lean back and be ok for a bit. I get to read as well. But it seems to come with a price. I struggle to bring meaning in to my life most days because I can not accomplish nearly as much as I want to be. I am trying to enjoy the moments I can sit outside and not feel guilty about it. I tell myself that when I get my life back, I will be so busy that I won’t have time to just sit so I should enjoy it while I can. Sometimes that logic works. :)
I realize this is really long but I feel that I covered an awful lot of stuff. I am hoping that by sharing what I am going through, it might help someone else. I don’t know how but maybe it will. I have found it helpful to read stuff other people share about going through and then overcoming their struggles so maybe sharing mine will help someone else. If it does, it feels like it brings some meaning to it all. I hope you have not fallen asleep from boredom yet. lol I appreciate you taking the time to read this post and joining me on this journey called life. :)