Today I am coming to a point where I am realizing what another surgery means for my life and how hard it will be. But I am also realizing how I lost sight of what I had to be thankful for now that it is being taken away again.
I have been thinking back to the previous surgeries I have been through and in doing so, it has brought back memories of things I had to go through that I do not want to go through again. The biggest on that list is losing my independence and needing to be dependant on my family again for simple tasks like pouring milk on my cereal because the jug is too heavy for me to lift or needing help to move around because it is difficult for me to walk. Something that I am grateful for is that the surgery is happening during the summer so that I don’t need help putting on my shoes because I can wear sandals. 🙂 I remember feeling horrible having to ask my mom to put on my shoes for me and tie them up because I couldn’t bend down to do it myself. I feel so bad that my parents have to once again take care of their adult daughter.
Sometimes it is good to know the details of what is about to happen because you can prepare yourself. Yet with other things like this it seems it is better not to know so you do not know what to dread. I know what is coming and I am dreading it. What’s coming that I am dreading? The loss of independence for awhile is what I’m not wanting to give up. I do not deal with losing independence very easily. To part ways with it is me being dragged away from it kicking and screaming. I know it is good to be able to accept help and depend on others but I still haven’t learned how to do that. It isn’t that my family isn’t dependable or that I have no one to help me out, it is that I have a small matter of wanting to do everything by myself. I thought going through 2 surgeries I would learn to be able to accept help but sometimes I wonder how long it will take for me to learn that? My way of doing things is try do it myself first and then after I hurt myself trying and discover I can not do it, I grudgingly go to someone and ask for their help. It isn’t that the help isn’t available or offered – I just do not want to be a bother to anyone if I can manage it myself. I hate to take up people’s time even if they tell me they don’t mind. I am not saying this like I am proud of it but admitting something that I am not proud of about myself. If I could change then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to go through another surgery in terms of the loss of independence. It is interesting and odd to me how the first issue I think about facing with another surgery isn’t the pain I will go through but the fact that I will have to be dependant on my family again.
I am so sad about having my independence temporarily taken away for a short time but it is something that I will get back. Is it really that hard for me to depend on others for a short time? Do I really have a right to complain about something that is only temporary? There are people who lose their ability to take care of themselves permanently either through accidents, illness or disease taking over their bodies. So is my life really that bad? In a way this seems like a small price to pay to get my freedom back. I just really do not understand why this has to happen at all and I wish I could avoid this altogether.
Going through another surgery is a reminder of what I had gained but lost sight of what I had to be thankful for. I know my life wasn’t anywhere near what I wanted but it was much better than it had been. I was no longer seeing that I had so much to be thankful for in my life. It is funny that now I am longing for what I had last week because it was better than what I have now. Yet last week I was complaining because it wasn’t as good as it could be or what other people have. Maybe this surgery is a good reminder for me to be thankful for what I have because it can always get worse and what I do have can be taken away so suddenly. If I am going to look at what I do not have, then I should look at how much worse my life could be so that I can be thankful for what I do have.
In closing, I suppose that this surgery has some benefits to it but will also be very difficult for me to deal with in terms of losing my independence. Although maybe this time I will finally learn to be ok with asking for help when I need it, because it is a lesson I desperately need to learn.I have now learned that my surgery is scheduled for Thursday May 31. I look ahead to this date with mixed feelings because it is something that needs to be done but I am not looking forward to it.