I know it may or may not be right to share one’s age but to me it has never really mattered. I don’t care. If you want to know my age, I will tell you. So today I want to talk about how I am nearing the big (to me anyways) 3-0 birthday and I realize that for the first time, entering a new decade of my life feels sad. Every other time I have entered a new decade of my life, (turning 10 and then 20) it was exciting and I was growing up. I wanted to grow up and escape childhood. But turning 30 feels sad and feels like it has all of a sudden hit me that I am getting older and it makes me feel like I want to hold on to my 20’s just a bit longer. I know 30 isn’t old by any means but it’s like I am starting on a journey that I don’t want to take quite yet. Maybe it is because I grew up thinking my 20’s would be fun years where I could experience life more and have fun. Yet instead I spent most of it going through surgeries and recovery and very little of the past 10yrs has been much fun. Yes, I can still have the fun I expected in my 20’s but it feels different somehow. Like I am without a doubt an adult now and should be responsible. I also feel like my life is passing me by and I haven’t really had a chance to live yet. Another thought that is scary is 40 is only 10yrs away! Is it normal to dread turning 30 or is it unusual? Does it feel worse for me because I spent most of the past decade dealing with health problems and limitations?
One thing I do appreciate is that I always try to live my life to the fullest that I can so that I don’t feel like I just drifted through my life not living as much as I could. So I can’t be accused of wasting time I have been given. To me that would be the greatest tragedy and regret. I do wish I could have had the ability to do more with my life though too. That I could look back and see that I accomplished a lot and had a very full life. But I know I am not alone on that wish. I think it may be normal to wish for better health, or more money, or more free time to have fun. But I also know that I have the life that I have been given and I can only do the best I can with what I have. Some days when my back is really bad, the best I can manage is to read books that I have wanted to get through which I tell myself is an accomplishment. I love books and if I am not learning something new, I am not happy. Other days, I am able to do more so I do. But it is still difficult facing my 30th birthday and feeling as though I haven’t accomplished the goals I had set in place to be done by this milestone birthday.
Ever since my teen years, 30 has seemed like a magical age somehow. An age to plan to have stuff done by. I planned to be in a certain place in my life when I turned 30. Most of it didn’t happen. I have mixed feelings about that. Realizing the deadline is a week away makes it quite clear that I will not be completing the goals I had planned. I hate not accomplishing goals I set in place. I feel sad but I also realize that it isn’t the end of the world and I still have time in my life for new plans. Life rarely goes how we want it to even though I wish it would. 🙂 I have learned this lesson the hard way and I accept it but sometimes it still bugs me a bit.
As of right now, I am not sure what the future holds or what awaits in the decade ahead but I hope that I can continue to live the fullest life that I can so that I do not look back and have regrets. I hope that 30 will be a new start along with a new decade in my life. I hope that the goals I have planned for the next decade will be able to happen and I don’t hit 40 feeling disappointed. Maybe my 30’s will be what I had hoped my 20’s would be. 🙂 I just have a minor set back of a decade. lol Anyways, I hope to have some fun during the last week of being 29. 🙂 I am determined to enter my 30’s on a good note and see it as a fresh start and a new chapter. thanks for reading!