Since receiving the date for my next surgery, I have been doing a lot of thinking and planning and I realized that while I have many dreams for the future, none seemed very likely. I have had dreams for some time in the future and not stuff that I truly thought would be possible. This morning I started to dream about the near future. Next year. Real dreams…. or maybe goals is a more correct term. Stuff I see as a possibility of happening either next year or in the next few years. This surgery seems like it might actually be the final one. I feel like there is a chance that I will actually get my life back after this one. I haven’t felt this amount of cautious optimism before the previous surgeries that I feel I can possibly begin to make plans again.
Over the past seven years, my life has consisted of surgery, recovery, complications, lots of medical tests and then waiting for more surgery. Plus being pretty much housebound. Between the first and second surgeries, I spent pretty much a year being unable to sit up for more than about 10 minutes at a time. I didn’t go anywhere except the necessary check ups with my surgeon. It felt like hell for me. My room started to feel like my prison. The years after were not as bad but still consisted of serious limitations. All I have had the option of thinking about is basically surviving each day and trying to make the most of it. I am not trying to complain but just explain the reality I faced each day for the past several years. I would day-dream a LOT. I sometimes got through days by dreaming about the future and what I would do when I got better. 🙂 But the future always seemed so far in the distance and sometimes the future I hoped for seemed unattainable. This has been my reality and it kind of became my identity. I was this person who dealt with limitations and pain and that was all.
Now I feel I finally have the chance to be someone else. I can be the person who gets to choose what I want to do and I get to carry out those goals and dreams I have for myself. I will be able to do what I want to do without having to think about how long I can last till I have to rest my back, having to hide the pain from people around me, making sure I take pain killers on time, or having to work around the other limitations I have faced. I feel like I can dare to make plans for my future which feels like it is next year and not some time that may never come. I am not sure how long it will take to recover and regain my strength but it feels like next year will be my year to begin to do that. 🙂 I could possibly stay out for an entire day without having to deal with pain increasing to the point that I can’t sit up any longer. A whole day! 🙂
I do have to admit that I feel some fear about getting my life back. For the first time in a long time, I will have choices and options on what to do with my life and I don’t want to make the wrong decisions. I look ahead to next year and it feels wide open and full of possibility. I haven’t felt that in a long time. Facing the unknown though is a bit scary for me. For the past several years, I have had a pretty good idea that the year ahead would be more of the same. Of course I never know what will happen but I knew enough to know that I probably wouldn’t be seeing any major changes at least in the near future. One thought I have had is that I should train for a race of some kind, just because I will be able to. 🙂 It would definitely feel wonderful to feel that strength again and to cross some sort of finish line would have a lot of significance for me. I look forward to the next year and seeing where I end up in a year’s time. Or in five year’s time. I feel this is an exciting time for me and I can’t wait to start really living my life again rather than just surviving. 🙂
Thanks for reading my blog! 🙂