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A Shaky Morning

First off, I would like to thank those of you who told me how much you appreciated the words I wrote in my last post. It means the world to me. I fear though that I have put an expectation on myself to write something that is as good or better because I don’t want to disappoint. I think it has formed a bit of a writers block so to speak. But I was given some advice to just write. So that is what I am going to do.

One of many “issues” that I deal with is getting quite shaky if I don’t eat on time. I suspect it is my blood sugar but my current gp doesn’t take me seriously on much so I just deal with it. My reaction time on responding to people/anything around me slows down, I get really shaky, confused, and dizzy. I find that eating something with sugar (like chocolate) gets it under control quickly. I keep it well under control I think for the most part. Many don’t even know I deal with this. But this morning after a whole lot of things went “wrong”, I was clearly not ok.

So here I am, sitting and waiting at the chiropractor who was running late because they were busy due to the long weekend. I am feeling hungry and hoping everything goes quickly enough that I can get going and get something to eat. But it didn’t. I was sitting on a stool at one point, unsure whether I would fall off or not because I felt like I couldn’t keep my balance. I then passed the front desk and the one lady there said something to me, and I was standing there struggling to process what she said and what to say back. She noticed and asked if I was ok. I managed to say that I didn’t feel quite ok. I said I would grab some water and sit down. I sat behind the water cooler to sneak chocolate from my purse. I am never without chocolate just in case this happens. LOL It felt wrong somehow to be eating chocolate in a chiropractors office where health is the whole focus. I felt like a rebel. LOL

The funny thing for me is that I feel embarrassed when symptoms like this become visible around other people. Even at the chiropractor, I hate to have people see me like this. I suppose it makes me feel vulnerable and not in control. I want to look as normal as I can despite all the “issues” that I deal with. I like to hide that I consume a fair amount of food to keep myself from shaking, or that I carry a stash of chocolate in my purse. LOL Some would be surprised at the amount of calories I consume in one day! Why do I feel so embarrassed about this morning and letting something get out of control? I feel like I failed somehow and feel that others see it that way too. But did I fail? Do I have to be so hard on myself because of a slip in judgement on my part (to not eat extra beforehand) and for other factors that I had no control over (Chiropractor running late)? I have literally been beating myself up about it all day. Maybe I am not alone in this line of thinking. Maybe we don’t have to beat ourselves up when accidents happen. Maybe we can accept that we do have challenges and it is ok to not be in control all the time.

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Posted by on February 21, 2018 in Opening Up, Randomness, Uncategorized

 

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If I opened up to you, would you still like me?

Hello,

Last night I read something that hit really close to home that is from a lady whose name is Genevieve Georget. It is a post that a friend of mine shared on facebook and seems to be getting shared a lot. If you would like to read it, here is a link to her post: Genevieve Georget . It is really powerful and I think it would resonate with most people.

When I was younger, I was someone who had a hard time using the classic phrase “I am fine” when asked how I was doing. I felt like I was lying and felt I should be honest. But I learned that people are not always asking “how are you” to hear how you are actually doing. It seems that it is more of a greeting in some ways… people say it in passing and don’t have time to wait for a response. Most times, like Genevieve mentioned in her post, it isn’t the right place or person to share all that you are going through. She talked about the Starbucks Barista who thought Genevieve’s life was golden because that is what it looked like from the barista’s perspective. She talked about how it isn’t the right place to share the difficult struggles she was facing and there isn’t time to do so either. So in the short interactions that she had with the barista each day, her life did seem golden. Yet it wasn’t quite as it appeared.

I am now someone who guards myself so fiercely so that no one sees a lot of what I am facing. I even have trouble sharing about the physical challenges I face. I worry that if I share too much of what I am going through or what has happened, people will not like me and will not stick around. If I don’t joke and act happy, people will walk away and steer clear of me in the future. I feel like I hide so many secrets that it is difficult to have a relationship. I keep such a large part of myself hidden so that I don’t lose people and in some ways it is causing people to walk away maybe because I keep them at arm’s length. I don’t like to be seen as negative and was actually called that by someone the other day who I tried to open up to.

Yet after reading Genevieve’s post, I wonder if my struggles that I keep hidden would actually be helpful to someone else. We work so hard to project ourselves in a certain way, to look perfect or happy or healthy or normal…. scared for others to see that we have struggles or problems in our lives…. maybe because other people look like they have it all together and we feel inadequate next to them…. yet that person might also feel they must have it all together because they think we do. We all end up feeling alone and/or inadequate because of this. We think if they only knew our secrets, they wouldn’t like us. I know that I think that a lot.

People call me kind and all sorts of nice things but it is hard to accept because I feel sure that they wouldn’t feel that way if they knew who I really was or what I have done in my past. So I end up unable to accept the compliments that people give me. I constantly have self-doubt and more easily believe the negative comments because that is how I feel about myself and who I really am. But what if I opened up and shared some of those secrets? What if people didn’t leave like I fear that they would? And if some did leave, were they ever really my friend then anyways? What if by opening up, I actually attracted people to me who would be real and authentic friends? That would be quite amazing actually. Maybe if I let these walls down and didn’t feel like I had to hide such a large part of me, I wouldn’t have to work so hard to keep it hidden and I could feel more free. These secrets become heavy burdens don’t they? Maybe it is time to shed some of these burdens and maybe at the same time, I can help someone else know that they are not alone or maybe even help someone through sharing my own struggles.

This scares me so much to think about sharing things… but sometimes what scares us is the thing we need to do right? 🙂 So I am going to work on sharing more about myself…. within reason of course. I will not post anything that should be shared privately one on one verses on a public forum like this. 🙂 I am going to write posts and actually hopefully have the guts to post them. I write so many posts and then discard them because I feel scared to share them. I worry so much about what people will think of me…. and I shouldn’t. Thanks for reading this post and I hope that you will consider joining me through this. 🙂

 
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Posted by on October 5, 2015 in Opening Up

 

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