First off, I would like to thank those of you who told me how much you appreciated the words I wrote in my last post. It means the world to me. I fear though that I have put an expectation on myself to write something that is as good or better because I don’t want to disappoint. I think it has formed a bit of a writers block so to speak. But I was given some advice to just write. So that is what I am going to do.
One of many “issues” that I deal with is getting quite shaky if I don’t eat on time. I suspect it is my blood sugar but my current gp doesn’t take me seriously on much so I just deal with it. My reaction time on responding to people/anything around me slows down, I get really shaky, confused, and dizzy. I find that eating something with sugar (like chocolate) gets it under control quickly. I keep it well under control I think for the most part. Many don’t even know I deal with this. But this morning after a whole lot of things went “wrong”, I was clearly not ok.
So here I am, sitting and waiting at the chiropractor who was running late because they were busy due to the long weekend. I am feeling hungry and hoping everything goes quickly enough that I can get going and get something to eat. But it didn’t. I was sitting on a stool at one point, unsure whether I would fall off or not because I felt like I couldn’t keep my balance. I then passed the front desk and the one lady there said something to me, and I was standing there struggling to process what she said and what to say back. She noticed and asked if I was ok. I managed to say that I didn’t feel quite ok. I said I would grab some water and sit down. I sat behind the water cooler to sneak chocolate from my purse. I am never without chocolate just in case this happens. LOL It felt wrong somehow to be eating chocolate in a chiropractors office where health is the whole focus. I felt like a rebel. LOL
The funny thing for me is that I feel embarrassed when symptoms like this become visible around other people. Even at the chiropractor, I hate to have people see me like this. I suppose it makes me feel vulnerable and not in control. I want to look as normal as I can despite all the “issues” that I deal with. I like to hide that I consume a fair amount of food to keep myself from shaking, or that I carry a stash of chocolate in my purse. LOL Some would be surprised at the amount of calories I consume in one day! Why do I feel so embarrassed about this morning and letting something get out of control? I feel like I failed somehow and feel that others see it that way too. But did I fail? Do I have to be so hard on myself because of a slip in judgement on my part (to not eat extra beforehand) and for other factors that I had no control over (Chiropractor running late)? I have literally been beating myself up about it all day. Maybe I am not alone in this line of thinking. Maybe we don’t have to beat ourselves up when accidents happen. Maybe we can accept that we do have challenges and it is ok to not be in control all the time.