Tag Archives: reflection


I tend to compare myself to who I used to be…. Before I had to quit working in 2004. Even though I was in a fair bit of pain, I was still fit. I was working. I was riding my bike in the summer and skating in the winter. I was running a fair bit too. I was strong. I loved my strength more than anything. It made me feel so good about myself.

On Sunday, I tried skating again for the first time since before I started having surgeries way back in 2007. Yay! It felt great but it became evident quite quickly just how out of shape I have become. I didn’t realize how fit you need to be to go skating. I was out of breath within maybe a few minutes of skating. As I sat there catching my breath, I started to remember how I could skate before without getting slightly out of breath. I had no idea how fit I really was before things really went sideways and how much I clearly took for granted.

Of course, with this realization of how badly out of shape I am, I started to get really hard on myself as I often do. I know it isn’t my fault and I have tried to keep up with as much exercise as I could do but in my head, that was still not enough. “I should have pushed myself harder between surgeries” “I have been too lazy” “I should be able to skate for much longer” “I am so pathetic” are just a few of the many thoughts that were running through my head before I start to realize how silly those thoughts were.

I have been through 5 major back surgeries since the first one in 2007. The first being the hardest. It felt like I was having to relearn to walk again. I couldn’t get down on to the floor for months. The pain was excruciating. I was pretty much stuck in bed for close to a year due to complications. Through the past 10 years (almost 11 now) I have struggled with so much back pain that has made it hard to even walk at times let alone consider anything beyond walking. So I should be able to let myself off the hook right?

Yet even if I “let myself off the hook”, it doesn’t stop me from missing and comparing myself to the girl I used to be. I used to be into sports. I played soccer. I loved skating and skiing. I was physically fit. The girl I used to be felt like the opposite of who I am now. I miss her so much. I wonder if I will ever be that girl again.

Currently I am still dealing with back pain where I had the crack in my spine that needed to be fused again. I have si joint inflammation because I am putting extra strain on my lower back because my upper back is fused. It takes a lot to push through the pain to do basic stuff, let alone exercise. But I do push myself because from what I understand, there is a chance that it will help. So, every evening I push myself. The pain is horrible, but I do it anyways. I do it at night because it wears me out and then afterwards I can go to bed. I usually want to cry from the pain but apparently exercising doesn’t hurt anything, so I keep going. What amazes me is how far I can go beyond the point that I feel like I can’t push any further. I can still only last about 15 minutes though and it truly does take everything out of me. The girl I used to be, would have been running circles around who I am now. Yet, will pushing myself so hard bring me closer to getting “better” or just wear me out? Am I holding on to a dream that will never be attainable again? Is what I have now, my new normal? Is comparing myself to who I was before, leading to me pushing myself farther and harder than I should be? Am I being too hard on myself? I think I know the answer to the last question, but I really do not want to admit it.

If you are wondering, pushing myself so hard isn’t anything new though. I have always pushed myself. Some say I push myself too hard and need to relax. The truth is, I don’t know how to do anything else. I used to compare myself to other people which kept me pushing to be better and stronger. Now I just hope to become who I used to be because I know what it felt like and how good it was. Plus, apparently it isn’t good to compare yourself to other people. LOL

Maybe comparing myself to myself yesterday and even the past year, can be good because it can help me to see progress that I have made. Yet, comparing myself to who I was 10 years ago might actually be harmful. None of us are likely where we were 10 years ago. For some, it might be good we are not in the same position that we were. For others, it leads to feelings of sadness and loss for what we used to have.

There is a huge thing about comparing yourself to yourself to help motivate you to keep going. Although maybe it is only helpful if we look back as far back as yesterday or the past year to remind ourselves of progress we have made and not to remind ourselves of something we have lost like health or strength that we may never get back.


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A Shaky Morning

First off, I would like to thank those of you who told me how much you appreciated the words I wrote in my last post. It means the world to me. I fear though that I have put an expectation on myself to write something that is as good or better because I don’t want to disappoint. I think it has formed a bit of a writers block so to speak. But I was given some advice to just write. So that is what I am going to do.

One of many “issues” that I deal with is getting quite shaky if I don’t eat on time. I suspect it is my blood sugar but my current gp doesn’t take me seriously on much so I just deal with it. My reaction time on responding to people/anything around me slows down, I get really shaky, confused, and dizzy. I find that eating something with sugar (like chocolate) gets it under control quickly. I keep it well under control I think for the most part. Many don’t even know I deal with this. But this morning after a whole lot of things went “wrong”, I was clearly not ok.

So here I am, sitting and waiting at the chiropractor who was running late because they were busy due to the long weekend. I am feeling hungry and hoping everything goes quickly enough that I can get going and get something to eat. But it didn’t. I was sitting on a stool at one point, unsure whether I would fall off or not because I felt like I couldn’t keep my balance. I then passed the front desk and the one lady there said something to me, and I was standing there struggling to process what she said and what to say back. She noticed and asked if I was ok. I managed to say that I didn’t feel quite ok. I said I would grab some water and sit down. I sat behind the water cooler to sneak chocolate from my purse. I am never without chocolate just in case this happens. LOL It felt wrong somehow to be eating chocolate in a chiropractors office where health is the whole focus. I felt like a rebel. LOL

The funny thing for me is that I feel embarrassed when symptoms like this become visible around other people. Even at the chiropractor, I hate to have people see me like this. I suppose it makes me feel vulnerable and not in control. I want to look as normal as I can despite all the “issues” that I deal with. I like to hide that I consume a fair amount of food to keep myself from shaking, or that I carry a stash of chocolate in my purse. LOL Some would be surprised at the amount of calories I consume in one day! Why do I feel so embarrassed about this morning and letting something get out of control? I feel like I failed somehow and feel that others see it that way too. But did I fail? Do I have to be so hard on myself because of a slip in judgement on my part (to not eat extra beforehand) and for other factors that I had no control over (Chiropractor running late)? I have literally been beating myself up about it all day. Maybe I am not alone in this line of thinking. Maybe we don’t have to beat ourselves up when accidents happen. Maybe we can accept that we do have challenges and it is ok to not be in control all the time.


Posted by on February 21, 2018 in Opening Up, Randomness, Uncategorized


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I’m Back :)

Hello again,

It has been quite awhile since I was regularly posting on here and I apologize. Starting January 1, I started another blog for my photography called Heather’s Photo a Day challenge and I didn’t expect it to take up much time and I thought I could continue with both. Somehow, my other blog has taken up more time than I thought and I had to let this one slide a bit.

If I am being honest, I have to admit that I stopped the weekly Gratitude Challenge posts because I felt like I couldn’t continue at the time. I was supposed to have surgery in December 2014 but it got postponed and I had a really hard time with that. I was struggling with being grateful for stuff when I was in so much pain and frustrated that my surgery didn’t happen. I have been in pain for so long and I was looking forward to the surgery so much that it really hit me hard when it had to be canceled. I had planned to get through the recovery and start running again in the spring which wasn’t possible due to the surgery being postponed. It was difficult. I thought I would just take a break from the Gratitude Challenge but then a break turned into a longer break and now it has been around 6 months. Part of that is because my other blog was taking up more time and was getting a better response than this one ever had. I thought no one would miss it if I didn’t post here and focused on the one that would help me get better at photography which is what I hope to do in the future.

I have decided recently that I should make time for this blog as well. I keep being told that sharing what I go through could help other people. So I am going to attempt to keep up on here as well. 🙂 I am excited to say that I have surgery finally coming up as well. 🙂 June 18. It is coming up fast. I am trying not to get too hopeful that it will be the last one but I am, despite my efforts. It will be the fourth one. Apparently an easy one too. 🙂 Hopefully no complications as well. I wish I knew why things happen the way that they do but I think that there is a reason for everything. I wish I knew what the reasons were but I don’t. I try to be ok with that. I will hopefully have a chance in the next few days to update how I am doing in more detail and what I am up to currently (other than the upcoming surgery). Stay tuned!

Thanks for taking time to read my blog!

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Posted by on June 8, 2015 in Surgery and recovery


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